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Adventures in Dreamland
Book Informatica
Head trippy stuff
Hospital stuff
lyrically speaking
Mike + Casey Stuff
mundane day to day stuff
murky depths
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Uh-dyck-shuns
Viewpoints
Wilderness Stuff
Chasing Beads
Monday, 7 November 2005
metaphorically speaking...
simile is like the same.
metaphor is it's own creature.

metaphorically speaking...

a bundle of yarn all wound up tight,
weaving its way around the target.

okay, so like uh, I don't know where all this is going. no fucking clue.

think its going one way, then smack, bam! poof. it's going another.

and yet again I tire of the game. I tire, rest, play again. and still, throughout it all I wonder if there's a point or if I'm the mouse.

mice have teeth.

Posted by beadchaser at 22:50 PST
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Wednesday, 19 October 2005
threads
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: the hum of the processor
sometimes addictions are interrelated.

beadwork leads to making polymer clay beads which leads to making miniature foods which leads to playing with miniatures making knit, embroidered, wood stuffs.. and then that leads to boredom.

then you start leatherworking...
then you start clay
and then back to the polymer clay which brings you back to do-re-mi-so-fa-la-ti-do

funny how when you think you're going to start something apparently simple, that when you start digging it looks like a clusterfuck of information.

like how tarot's interconnected with the Kabbalah, that's interconnected with a few seemingly unrelated studies, magick and Judiasim, which means you're learning Hebrew on top of everything.

too much stuff to garble it all together.

bits n snippets must be the rule. learn one thing from each discipline until you can grasp the whole. practice the foundations.

I like the quote that says something like you must master the foundations (of dance) to keep the body from letting the soul freely express itself. I guess in this thing, you have to master the basics to let your energies flow.


Posted by beadchaser at 11:47 PDT
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Friday, 14 October 2005
Whee-- ReconBitch scores
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: MuggleCast- the podcast for mugglenet
I gave this the topic of "none" because this particular post doesn't have any topic.
Redundant, yes.
I'm aware of that.
btw, if you're not the subject of this particular rant, please skip it. By the third paragraph, the subject should become rather apparent.

Okay, so I don't go looking at stats for my websites all the time, but I want to see if the new content is driving any more people to it. I'm not putting anything for sale up here, so I'm just feeding my ego.

See that one of the entries is someone trying to get to this blog thru my beadchaser.com website.

Curiosity piqued, I wander over here, check out the date. lo and behold, someone's hit it tonight. The ip looks concerningly familiar, so I pop it, and yup. someone from my house hit this website when I was sleeping.

I don't have it on favorites here, and it's not michael's computer. It's either this one, or the one downstairs and I'm guessing it wasn't casey.

so yeah...

"wake up motherfucker and smell the slime."

the curiosity now brings me to wonder how this site was discovered at all. uh, I don't record favorites or history, everything's blipped off the radar.

so do we have a keystroke logger in place?
Hardware or software? I can't imagine how else you might know that I'm using tripod.

don't mess with my shit.
don't get in my business that has no effect on you.

To begin with, I resent the fact that you can have any effect on me whatsoever. Most of the major decisions that you've made have had a negative to the nth degree impact on my life. I never had the strength to stand up and say no, but now I am, and you better get used to it coz it's gonna turn around real fast and bite you right on your ass.


I don't take this (or any) invasion BY YOU into my privacy lightly and to quote Axl Rose:
"You wanta antagonize me?
Antagonize me motherfucker
Get in the ring motherfucker
And I'll kick your bitchy little ass"

You thought I was cold-hearted bitch, distant and aloof before? heh. you haven't got the smallest clue.

This, combined with tonight's little episode in your bedroom have put me into quite a quandry. My initial response is to be vindictive in a highly malicious manner, but, since you're my children's father, that isn't an option. I swear to god, I have done my level best to leave you and start my own life in a manner which will not utterly destroy you. I run the razor's edge balancing my mind's desire for retribution with my other inner need to teach and nurture.

Yeah, I do sleep a lot. at least I'm busy sleeping when you're awake and here... you think this is a coincidence? you think that's all I do? heh. nope. I do it purposely to avoid you while I'm still here.

welp, hope you got an eyefull motherfucker. and btw, hope your dick got hard reading the previous entries coz you won't be getting anything else off (pun intended) my computer.

Posted by beadchaser at 02:31 PDT
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Tuesday, 11 October 2005
-work web_
Now Playing: nada
I fucking hate St. Bernard web blocker.

annoyed at the institution for limiting my web access. I mean, please. yes, I do surf around, but its to keep myself awake.

fucking took my gmail.

I do hope they realize that the travelling nurses communicate with their people at home via this method and now they've been cut off.

ah well.

was gonna try to fight it, but sensing I shouldn't right now.

Posted by beadchaser at 16:48 PDT
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Monday, 10 October 2005
bizz whizz whirr
Now Playing: lateralus
guess I should have put the bizz whizz whirr as what's playing rather than the title- it's the sound that's overriding my tunes right now.

craft room's just about together.

Kitty's scheduled for his surgery (poor bastard) on friday. he's gonna be a fat cat I can tell already-- has this little belly fat thing that jiggles, and minus those testicles I'm sure he'll put weight on like nothing. Not fully grown yet, so can't put him on a low cal, but need to get some dry food coz when I feed him the canned, he pollutes my whole side of the house.

I'm awake right now and I know that's not a good thing- supposed to be working tonight- not looking forward to it. Granted tho, it's not taking me away from anything that I'd rather be doing. Can do renfaire stuff to a certain extent while there.

roflmao. rumors fly at work about who's doing who, but the funny thing is there's more going on than the rumors know... found one out uh, 4 years after it happened.

sitting here, staring at a silent lizurd on top of my monitor, drinking a glass of tea. I dun think he's gonna do any tricks. chameleon, blending with the scenery.

figured that altho there are people not as enthusiastic about faire within the guild, there are some other guildleaders that are where I am. Working with some of them to get some stuff together for our guildies. want to go to a few more faires next year with the guild, and even more with like steve and snipe. That is, if I don't have any other reasons to go out of town for the weekend... which, given the contents of the last missive...

would like to take a trip a month from now

misplacing my emotions onto another person, thinking they mirror them is dangerous to the psyche.

on another note, these new "roommates don't ask, roommates don't tell, and never have to find out" rules are interesting... I mean, how can you convey these to someone? Its so uh, unconventional? is that the right word? combine that with the mixed metaphor of "if the farmer's cow gives milk, he's not going to the other side of the fence" - scots and sheep come to mind.

Yeah, I know. Just move out. Can't tho. Cashflow is an issue atm and he hasn't learned how to take care of his own shit. -- wait. thought just entered my head.... he hasn't learned because he doesn't have to learn. because I'm still hanging around wiping his ass.
motherfucker. /bonk self

I'm doing the legal sep papers this week- was shown a website where you can get everything you need to do it yourself.

okay, so don't worry that training issue, worry about getting enough cashflow for you first/last/deposit plus deposits for utilities. 5k = goal.

focus on what needs be done, not what mite happen after you do it. then, and only then, can you know.

lyrical penis jewelry quote: "the butthole surfers said 'it's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do'" -- no regrets tho. none.

saw this comedian, did this schtick on how women do emotional rape to guys, saying stuff like "did you miss me?" to get them to say stuff like "I missed you" or "baby, I love you" to get the guy to say that back... um, okay- yeah, I see that. bad stuff. and I can see how I've participated in that behaviour- not those words exactly, but rather an incessant flow of conversation. *scratches head and remembers something about making a promise to myself to not instigate conversation for it's own sake* okay, so not wanting to fall into that category I'll start putting that on as a new filter. quit digging for reasons, quit pushing the flow, just let it happen. if it does, lovely, if not it wasn't meant to.

Posted by beadchaser at 12:41 PDT
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Wednesday, 28 September 2005
pressure
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: NIN
Topic: Head trippy stuff
sitting here, this feeling of pissed/pulling comes washing over me. unknown origin.

fists clench as waves wash over me of this anger

coldness, but not shivers

its starting to fade now.

what have i done to anger someone? i've only responded in kind to whatever is sent my way.

well, yeah, there is that bit about the house situation... but it's not been producing anger so far. hrm. wonders.

Posted by beadchaser at 01:25 PDT
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----------
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: nada
Topic: Random Insights
mantra I need to repeat to myself over and over "Expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed."


Posted by beadchaser at 00:30 PDT
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Sunday, 11 September 2005
book review
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: tick tick tick tick tick of the clock
Topic: Wilderness Stuff
made a run to the borders yesterday, picked up a couple of terrain map books: Arizona and Northern California. No southern california in stock; that will have to wait.

got the fireside book "how to stay alive in the woods" and my reactions to its contents have ranged from "..." to "omfg you're kidding me, right?" (the bit about taking a bear's catch from it) to "hrm, that might be useful in some situation".

mostly I've found it to not be helpful, and most of the info so far has seemed to be somewhat dangerous should I choose to follow it. makes no sense in modern situations.

back to my normal schedule tomorrow.

interest in EQ waning. i'm like "uh, this is utterly pointless. matters not a whit whether or not I log on." Nobody I care to speak to, hunt with, or help do anything.

keri invited me on a hiking trip. that should be fun. *woot*

Posted by beadchaser at 03:00 PDT
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Sunday, 4 September 2005
grats! 100 entries
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: The Flow
Congratulate me on achieving 100 posts.

now move on.

Posted by beadchaser at 05:10 PDT
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Wednesday, 20 July 2005
annoyed.
Now Playing: nada
Topic: Uh-dyck-shuns
once again, I've managed to offend without intent.

wtf indeed.

Posted by beadchaser at 21:06 PDT
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Sunday, 3 July 2005
Ufo dream
Scared the living fuck outta me rite now

Edit to add the contents of said dream:

Nighttime, sitting in the car in a field. Starry, clear sky. I'd just exited work, the building being a representation of the hospital or somesuch thing. I cannot at this time remember that bit of the dream. My parents were parked a bit to the left and behind me, sitting at approximately a 30 degree angle in one of the various motorhomes they've had over the years.

I was in the middle of a large, very grassy park. Had the t-tops off the car, and it wasn't deep nighttime, more like twilight. to my right are trees lining the park, a dirt road and then a fenced pasture. there are others around, a few more cars to my right and it seems like there was one behind mee. has the feel of mooney's grove, but there were too many houses to what I feel was the east for it to be mooney's grove.

I am looking at the stars, to the east. We're watching a fireworks display, unnotable except for the high percentage of shooting stars we see whizzing by. At that point, what i can only describe as an aurora borealis forms in the middle of where the lights explode in the sky. it condenses into a blur of light and moves northward and gains great altitude at speeds i can only describe as comet like. I see it hover there for a moment, then gracefully arc down to the west, seeming to head for the fenced field. "get in the fucking car, michael" I yell, and he awakes from his trance-like stare, and complies. I see it land in the field, quintessential ufo, purple-pink and yellow lights highlighting the edge of the saucer at random intervals. a matte, medium grey silver craft, it doesn't appear to have any doors or windows. the top is a ring of blue lights which are built in, meaning they don't bump or anything the smoothness of the exterior of the craft.

We take off toward the south-east across the field, tires shredding the sodden grass. We get on one of the paved roads which bound the park and head east, into the city, if you could call it that. More akin to a small community in the 70's, built in an area with small hills (like you would see seaside, like san francisco but not nearly so steep) curiously numb and compliant with what I perceive to be a tremendous threat.

The sun must be moving backward for now it is just past sunset.I see a group of people gathering at a building. they state they're signing up for the volunteer positions for interplantary research. I think "omfg are you nuts?" while visions of labrats enter my mind. See robert and kathy roldan, as they were in high school. Think maybe hank, their dad was there too, but among the swarms of people, i really didn't see anyone else I recognised. More like a knowing of who was there and who wasn't.

I see a woman putting straight pins into another woman's blouse, lining them up about 2mm away from each other in groupings of 3-5 each, down the front of her blouse. "we were told to do this" and I know its time to leave.

I head back to the park to check on family. Having more of a sense of distance, and I now realize the ufo has landed in the park across from my high school, in the playground of the church where i used to teach sunday school. my parents are still parked where they were, casey with them. I think to myself that the motorhome will be quite handy to have during this exodus. I do believe I saw larry up at the pinning ceremony gig, lined up with the rest and smiling. Urging my parents to leave, I tell michael we have to go away now, and if they won't come with us, we cannot stay and follow the same fate. I see the ship take off, move up to a distant speck in the sky and sit there for a minute, lights increasing intensity to a blinding level. whether aloud or to myself I say "It's starting now", and I stare, immobilized as I see a ray of light leave the ufo at about a 45 degree angle down from horizontal, strike the ground and spread out in a straight line where it touches the ground. Seems to be just over a quarter mile wide. I am unable to do anything but watch as the ray cuts a swath thru the town. I see it cut right across the area where the volunteers have gathered. The only way I can describe it is tilling the soil. it seemed to dig down about 20' into the earth, flipping upside down and demolishing that which it flipped. people, houses, cars, everything that it touched as it proceeded its path of destruction was utterly gone. left no trace. fresh land. I got a message in my head as I'm watching this "and the rotting corpses left in the ground will be fertilizer for the crops." The ray was headed my way, but I couldn't leave without knowing whether my parents made it out of the field. I knew my house was amid all of those homes desolated, not a trace of anything left. "wonder if i can get my stored data online?" Nothing held me back, for there was nothing to go back to.

I watched my parents driving toward me as the ray came nearer, the tail end of their rig missing the ray by inches, but they came. I dunno who was in the rig with them, as at that point I was behind the wheel again, and headed south or north toward caves i knew i must find to live in. it was at that point i woke up in an *extreme* state of fear/urgency and sent a text message, so i would have an accurate time of when this happened.

remote Posted by beadchaser at 01:13 PDT
Updated: Sunday, 3 July 2005 08:50 PDT
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Monday, 27 June 2005
Test success
Phone posting problem phixed


remote Posted by beadchaser at 18:29 PDT
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Thursday, 23 June 2005
When beads are souls connected by filaments thru time
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Vivaldi- the four seasons
Topic: Head trippy stuff
Imagine if you will--


Posted by beadchaser at 23:38 PDT
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Friday, 11 March 2005
Driving myself into an adrenaline frenzy
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: "by the way"
Topic: murky depths
I've managed to drive myself into an adrenaline frenzy. It's now Friday morning and I've done zilch to prepare for faire this weekend.

I have no excuse for my laziness. A reason I do have, but it's a lame one oozing of no self discipline.

/kick self

but I do it over and over and over and over. I don't like it, or maybe I do.

Must investigate the roots of this problem.

/spank self for obsessing

ah well. back to sewing

Posted by beadchaser at 02:56 PST
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Wednesday, 9 March 2005
vibrations
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: "The Zephyr Song"
Topic: Head trippy stuff
As I sit here, I am overwhelmed by a vibe that's cutting thru everything I try to do. I can't focus, I can't think. I am tore up by this- it's a combination of hurt/angry that's making me want to curl up in a ball and shield myself from incoming schrapnel.

It's not the usual heat. This is anger. I said I didn't want to see your anger, as I have felt it and I don't like the way it feels. I still don't like it, and this is more smoldering, more contained. Like it's being forced into a box. My reaction is to shield, but I can't focus enough to shield. So now, as I write this I choose to open my fists, drop the shields and absorb it, and send lovingkindness back to the source.


Posted by beadchaser at 05:38 PST
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Bud Extra
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: "backwoods"
Topic: Viewpoints
Saw an ad for this in Blender magazine- BudExtra- with caffeine, guarana and ginseng.


Um, omfg. So, um, I'm thinking of beer consumption, and the quantities involved. Then also the intake of guarana and caffeine added on top of that. Okay, best case scenario = amped up drunk motherfuckers speeding around campuses nationwide. Worst case scenario = cardiac arrest.

Guess it's no worse than any Motley Crue backstage shenanigans, and they've survived, mostly.

Posted by beadchaser at 01:39 PST
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Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: "What hits?"
Topic: Head trippy stuff
just chillin, hanging out,
bein a cool cat chasin my own tail. when all of a sudden "Blamo!" a wonderful wave of saucy seduction hits me from the cosmos.

toes tingle and it crawls up my legs into my stomach and i crave the source of the vibe like chocolate.

pushes in on me, makes me feel the need, turns it into my own.

RAWR baby. speak to me, don't freeze me out.

Posted by beadchaser at 00:53 PST
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Tuesday, 8 March 2005
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Mood:  cool
Topic: murky depths
Got the compilation CD I made of all my favorite RHCP songs running in the player. In the past couple of days, I've made my strong interest in the boys a definate obsession. Collected nearly 400 different piccys from the net- stuck them into a folder and designated that as my screensaver. I wonder what I would have done had I access to this technology when I was mesmerized by Motley Crue. Hell, I didn't know half of what I do about the Peppers about the Crue. Knew Nikki's real name- woo I felt priviledged when I learned that.

I have learned that adults can take obsessions to levels far beyond that of kids.

PO box is now public knowledge.

Got my daughter's itenerary for her Washington trip today- looks interesting. More interesting is the room assignments, and the people who are going on this trip with her. One of the kids has some serious issues. Hell, probably more than that do, but this one I know for sure has major anger issues. Hopefully she'll grow out of it, or at least not reproduce.

There's this one of AK I've got- yummilicious. Sharing here for your viewing pleasure. It's a fairly recent picture as evidenced by the tiger and the surgical scar on his stomach. Like the past 2 years or so.









Such a lovely piece of DNA :-)


Breaking the Girl's now on- roflmao- I did a typo and thought that this would be excellent fodder for Weird Al should he set his sights on the chilis- lots of his stuff is food connected, could make it into "breaking the grill"

Space- the final frontier. Now, pondering this statement, which I allowed to be brushed over in the secondary meaning coz I wasn't at an energy level to confront it at that point, I see some things. Space could mean literal distance, miles. Or it could mean the figurative space, as in "leave me the fuck alone, I want to be away from you" - I'm taking it as the latter rather than the former, and by doing so honoring the warning given to me by my sister who has a far better understanding of this world. Has given me a bit to think- this space bit, and replacing a former obsession with the one over Anthony Kiedis. So yeah. Now I'm looking at my own thoughtlife and going "what the fuck were you thinking?" Get a little bit outside a situation and it becomes so much clearer. If I'm in my own space, then I don't have to go where its so thick with memories - memories which cloud logical thinking. Just about everything I see, read or do has pleasant, drawing memories attached to it tho. Damn near everything.

blogging is cathartic. I write to examine my own feelings, previously shared, but now, this- this gives me my outlet freely- without the entanglements that sharing your thoughtlife with a solitary soul brings. Entanglements that which in reality, might prove to drain the last drops of irretrievable vital lifejuice.

Posted by beadchaser at 19:48 PST
Updated: Saturday, 25 June 2005 04:05 PDT
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Um
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: "the Zephyr Song"
Topic: Viewpoints
Statements of fact:

1. This nicotine patching business has been a nice steady decline in need until recently. Like Sunday. At that point I was ready to go out and buy a pack. I was down to 7mg/day but now I'm up to 14mg and wanting more. and more, and more.

2. I think I need to go back to the macrobiotic way of eating. The nicotine cravings were less etc. Bitch of a thing to do during faire tho.

3. I need to sleep more. Staked my claim to my space today, i.e. don't come in my bedroom if the door is closed. You wake me up. I can't go back to sleep because I am uncomfortable.

4. Focus on the task at hand. yeah, right. /roflmgdao

5. Garb issues: Casey's sleeves and attaching forepart to underskirt. Making the bumroll go around further and have a thicker tie. Laps to bodice so skirt can tie to them, will need to put skirting on it. Mike's set.

6. Intensify workout. Period. Weights/Cardio, Pilates, yoga- repeat. Get two hours a day in of this for the greatest increases over the shortest period of time. Get serious about this.

7. Make a schedule and actually stick to it.

8. Reduce daydreaming to facilitate #7

9. Ignore obsessions to facilitate #8.

List of daily activities that I need to fit into the schedule:

Chores: Clean something, cook breakfast and dinner, laundry, weekly goodwill runs, grocery shopping.

Tasks: Work on garb. Once you get the immediate stuff done, then you can get in a couple of hours a day and not have all this rush bullshit going on

Physical: workout 2* a day, add in 1/2 hour for changing clothes and travel.

Mental: Learn something new every month. Do so by reading a book then writing a new section to the webpage. Write a paper on it using several sources.

Spiritual: Meditate. Work on exercises buried somewhere in all those books you have.

By filling myself with things which build, I will grow rather than sitting here wallowing in my own imagination.

Posted by beadchaser at 01:49 PST
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Monday, 7 March 2005
blatherings
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: This is the Place
Topic: lyrically speaking
scent on the distant air
taste the pheromonically measured vibe and stare
deep into mind's eyes and depths of green
emerald shades hidden lair
quintessential puzzle chameleon child
take me for a rollercoaster ride in style
machinations occulated from your own eyes
knot and twist your stranger beguile


one must practice to acquire leet skeelz, yes?

casey will need lyrics /nods

Posted by beadchaser at 03:49 PST
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